2022 April 12 Choose Happiness!

Hi, this is Jim Cranston from 7EveryMinute and 7EveryMinute.com, the podcast and website by, for, and about Baby Boomers. Thanks for joining me tonight. 

If you look at how we often subtly undermine our own happiness and potential, let’s get started and take a look into that and see what we’re doing to ourselves. First, as always of course, the regular reminder: I’m not a medical professional. I’ll just be talking about things that I personally find useful and helpful. If you find yourself feeling truly hopeless or depressed, please please please seek professional medical help or just dial (911). Also, starting July 16th, 2022 and available now in some areas, dial (988) to be connected with immediate assistance to the Suicide Hotline. I have heard some reports that that has been a bit overloaded but nonetheless, always just dial (911). Good to know for yourself or for a friend. 

In general, most of us think pretty well of ourselves, at least superficially, and share those occasional self chiding, calling ourselves stupid or Why do we do that? or whatever. Some of us remember every single mistake we made in our entire lives, right? We’re thinking that we can’t learn anything new because we’re old. We’ve heard that before.

But the real reality is, for most people, roughly 80% of their self talk or self thoughts each day, are negative. Even more alarming, roughly 95% of those are the same ones we had the day before. You know, How come I can’t diet? How come I can’t exercise? How come I’m not smarter? How come I can’t do math? Whatever it is, they keep coming around the block and we keep saying them to ourselves. We are typically pretty hard on ourselves. We know that in our hearts, but that’s a topic for another episode.

Let’s look at that last example, that we can’t learn anything new because we are old. This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed this, but recently I was at an event with others in my age bracket. What really struck me was not only the difference in physical condition between the different people and their attitude, but also the huge range of cognitive condition and attitude.

The first interesting point is that some of the people who are physically active were not mentally active. With others, the reverse was true. They're mentally very active, but physically just not doing anything, and the mix of one didn’t seem to follow the other. Some people were good mentally. Some were good mentally and physically. The whole cognitive and physical sides of things didn’t seem to have a direct relationship to each other. 

Then a conversation arose about keeping in touch with each other by using technology. That’s when it became really obvious, because many of the people said they couldn’t use a computer. Interestingly enough, it’s not that they could not use a computer. They had convinced themselves that they couldn’t use a computer, and it was beyond them. That they were just completely incapable. So putting it another way, and rather bluntly, they simply had decided to give up on some particular thing. 

It could have been technology. It could have been anything. Exercise. It could’ve been reading a book a week. Whatever it was. They just decided to give up. That’s a very powerful concept and statement. Somewhere, in some way, they convinced themselves that they could not do something. I hear that concept often about people my age, but I also hear it in people of all ages. I can’t do math. Meanwhile, they’re calculating the odds of some football bet. I can’t use a computer. Meanwhile, they’re sitting on six different social media accounts and have learned all the intricacies of that. I can’t exercise, but somehow they can manage to walk five blocks to go get some ice cream. 

So, what’s really going on is these people have chosen to not do an activity, and they justify it by saying that they cannot do it. Even when there’s ample evidence to the contrary, by their own actions, that they certainly are capable of doing anything they put their minds to. How many people do you know who say they cannot learn another language, but somehow, they’ve managed to learn all the best curse words in a bunch of different languages? We all know people like that. It’s not a skill or cognitive  issue. It’s really a level of interest and motivation and self-confidence issue. 

Let’s turn this whole concept on its head, and think of the possibilities. Imagine that instead of having 80% negative thoughts each day, that 80% of your thoughts were positive instead. Then, instead of beating yourself up, you were noticing all that you did well, and congratulating yourself. Imagine too, instead of criticizing yourself for every partial failure, instead you celebrated every partial success that happened. 

Rarely is something a total failure or total success. There’s a little bit of each. What do we always focus on? The failure part. How about if instead you focus on the success part? Frankly, that one technique is a major way that I made significant changes in my habits a number of times. So, it is just remembering that I used to do this and that, and I meant to not do it today. Oh, but I did it anyway. It’s like - wait, but here are two days where I didn’t do it at all. So, remember to focus on all the good things that happen in your life. 

There’s something called negativity bias, and most of us have a pretty good dose of that. Negativity bias is why bad news is more interesting than good news. That’s why we remember the curse words in the language. We can’t remember the pleasant sayings. Negativity bias is thought to be based upon loss aversion, and it has some really sound survival instincts. Fundamentally pre-programmed to risk or to not risk losing something. We have our game that we caught here, when we were hunter gatherers. We have $100 in the bank sitting here, but we’re not going to risk that. We have something sure, and then our possession, for something that might be better, but isn’t a sure thing. We’re very careful about avoiding stuff. 

That gets worked around in our minds to convince us that we’re incapable of doing something new. How does that work? I suggest it may be because, when we’re unsure of ourselves, we think we might embarrass ourselves in front of our peers or might risk losing the self perception of some level of status amongst our peers. So by focusing on the negative, it’s kind of interesting. We’re a little worried about the situations, and then we focus on all the negative things, and we ignore all the potential good that might come out of that same risk. 

I can try and get up and explain what I know about this subject, and I might make some mistakes, but I also might make a bunch of really insightful comments. People go, Wow, that’s really interesting. I hadn’t thought about it that way. So, we ignore all those potential positives and hang on instead to the fear of the negatives that might come out of that. 

Remember last week, we talked about empathy and sharing. You know, that was the big topic of last week. If you take a chance by learning to use a computer, you never know. You might become the well-respected computer expert in your personal / professional circle, but our negativity bias doesn’t give much weight to that potential good outcome. Instead, it focuses on the potential negative outcomes.

Although they are only potential negative outcomes, we tend to perceive them as for-certain negative outcomes, and we justify that decision by saying A negative outcome is much more likely! Then, we go ahead and say, Ah, I’m not going to do it because I know it’s not going to go right anyway. I never have good luck when I do that. There's a thousand little sayings that people use to justify why not to do something because they are concerned about the potential of a negative outcome.

But, instead of believing all the stereotypes, let’s just take an example, about us old people, even put forth by places like AARP. There are simple phones for seniors, it drives me nuts. I’d see them in the ads for the magazine.Oh, here’s a phone that even a Baby Boomer and senior citizen can use! Imagine instead, if their ad had something like How you can be a wiz on your phone, an amazing On your phone and Five Easy Lessons in one week at home guaranteed orall your money back in ful! No questions asked. Relisten or reread it if you’re looking at the transcript and think about that. 

How to be a wiz on your phone in five lessons in one week at home guaranteed or your money back in full. What’s different? There’s a positive outcome. The time risk is short, the material seems easy, there’s only five lessons. There’s no chance of embarrassment because you’re at home. Plus, it’s guaranteed with a full refund, right? So, it’s all upside. The really important point is we’re looking at the same action. How to learn to use your cellphone better. Stated differently, you realize there’s a very good chance that the likely outcome will be good, and there’s very little or no risk. Which one makes you feel better about trying something new? Being told you have to use a special device because you’re incapable of using what grown ups use, or being told you can do great things with no risk and little downside. Obviously, the fact that you’re being told positive things makes you more excited and more likely to succeed. 

Now, the best part is, you can look at life in that same positive, low-risk, essentially guaranteed outcome way for every single thing you do every day. Want to make a new recipe? We talked about this before. There’s only two possible outcomes. Either you succeed, or you learn something. Part of life is always managing risk, of course, but part of managing risk is also keeping perspective and managing expectations. At 65 or 70, you’re probably not going to be running a four-minute mile. Let’s get realistic about that, but you may very well be able to get up early and run, or walk, a 5K Turkey Trot with your friends, and have a great start to a Thanksgiving day.

It’s how you set your expectations and it’s how you look at the positive outcomes. If it’s Ah, I don’t feel like getting up early, it’s going to be cold, blah, blah, blah, or I’m going to get to see these people I haven’t seen in weeks. We’re going to be outside. It’s going to be crisp. It’s going to be beautiful. Then we’re going to have a great breakfast and have a wonderful Thanksgiving later on. Same situation, same event. The only thing that’s changed is how you’re perceiving it and stating it to yourself. Remember to see all the possible good and to appreciate the positive outcomes that can happen in pretty much every situation.  

Most of all, don’t beat yourself up over things that likely won’t happen. If you have disappointments, everyone has disappointments. They come and they go. But if you let the bad overshadow the good things in life, then very few things are totally bad and what you’re doing is you’re making the good things and hiding them behind potential bad things. It’s up to you to look at life in a positive way, and to see all the good that can come to you from your actions. 

You don’t have to accept, or even put up, with someone else’s preconceived notions of your capabilities. But most of all, you don’t have to put up your own negative thoughts. Most of those negative thoughts come from within us. Remember those statistics: for the average person, about 80% of our thoughts are negative each day, and 95% of those are the same thoughts we had about ourselves yesterday. Banish them. Replace them with encouraging words, celebrations, and the many little victories and successes you have each and every day. Good luck on your journey to start rewriting your own future. Choose to succeed and to never give up. 

The weekly reminder is more important now than ever. If you want to support Ukraine or any other topic that’s near and dear to your hearts, please contact your US senators and your representatives. Tell them your opinions on the matter. Tell them that you support these people.  The shortcut takes you right to the Congressional page where you can put in your address. I don’t see any of this. It’s off my site. It takes you right to the Congressional Office, and there you can put in your address. Find out how to contact your reps. There’s phone numbers, you can text them, you can message them, you can write them, you can call them. There’s all sorts of ways and the same as if you put in your full address, you will find the representative as well as that in the house. 

So, that’s that and it’s really, it’s really important. Even acting in a really small way and especially in a manner consistent with your own beliefs, you’ll find yourself feeling less threatened and more engaged with the world, and more confident in your actions. Then related to that is the other big one, UKR7.com. That takes you to the page that’s full of the links where you can donate if you want to support the Ukrainian people. There’s tons of links. These are a whole range of activities. It’s from GoFundMe, groups that do only humanitarian things, only food, only baby clothes, whatever. To ones that are a little more proactive like body armor both for citizens and soldiers. It runs the whole gamut, including direct deposits to the military, if that’s what you want. There’s a thousand ways you can support them, and I would encourage you to please take a look at UKR7.com. Everything goes directly to the people who are running these campaigns. I would encourage you to do both those things. Write to your Congressperson if you haven’t already. Write them again, if you have, and support the Ukraine people. 

That’s it. As always. Be true to yourself. Live a life aligned with your true goals and feelings. You'll feel a lot better, a lot more motivated and just more energized. Remember to stop beating up on yourself. Every time you want to say something negative to yourself, instead think of something positive to say. Just make a game out of it. You’re going to say Oh you’re stupid. It’s like Wow, how to do that? Oh, I can’t remember that name. But in thinking about that I did remember four other things that I’m trying to remember!

Life is a mix of good and bad. Remember to focus on the good. So be aware of others. Have empathy for others, and try to respect everyone and respond to them with kindness and encouragement, and you might find new opportunities for friendship and growth. That’s it for the week. Thanks so much for stopping by. If you found something interesting and useful, please pass it along. If not, please drop me a comment as to what you’d like to hear more about. Have a great week Thanks for the visit. Remember to live the life that you dreamed of. That’s the path to true contentment. Love and encouragement to everybody and see you next week on 7EveryMinute and 7EveryMinute.com.